And the rollercoaster ride continues
Hello all, I am back once again. I have been lurking for quite awhile but now have finally gotten up the guts to post again. I honestly wished I would never have to.
So it begins again. He had been doing so well and now I feel as if we’re back to square one only this time I have so much more to lose. My boyfriend is a coke and pot addict. Just writing that hurt.
We have had quite the rollercoaster ride over the past year and I was hoping finally that it would all come to an end. We recently bought a condo together and things were beginning to look up. That was until this weekend. He is a DJ and thus constantly immersed in the drug world. He played this weekend and needless to say it was back around. We had a brawl about this on Thursday and once again I got the promises and things seemed fine. Rest of the weekend went okay and then yesterday is when things seemed to really come to a head for him. I came home from work and he was miserable.
When he is down in the dumps he implodes, telling me what a loser he is and he’s mad at himself. I don’t know what to say anymore. It may sound mean, but I don’t feel bad for him any longer. I used to, but now I’m just bitter. He doesn’t do anything to change the situation. He has gotten very good at playing the victim and in my perception that’s where the drugs came in. It’s easier not to feel than deal with all of the stuff he has brushed under the rug for so long. He slept from about 630 last night until about 630 this AM when I left for work and he was a little more civil this AM, but god only knows what the day will bring.
It makes me nuts because I now sit here in a constant state of panic wondering what I am going to come home to.
I have been on this ride for over a year now. I want to stay that I’m getting tired, but I don’t know. I don’t know whether I’m just a glutton for punishment or if I really in my sick mind think I can help him. What I do know is I didn’t sign up for this. I just don’t know what else to do. I feel terribly alone, I don’t have anyone to turn to for help, I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends which wouldn’t really help being they’re 300 miles away. There’s no point in reaching out to his as the majority of them use as well. His family is the primary reason he’s using. Where does that leave me with trying to develop a support system for him?
I’m sorry this is so long. It’s just been building up for awhile now and I really don’t know where else to turn.