This is one of my favorite stories of all times for exactly this situation.
The Wild Horse
In the olden days, people used to go to the markets in town to buy, sell and trade - everyone would go on market day. One day in particular, as people were making their way down to the market on one of the narrow streets leading into the large open area where the bazaar was, a crowd began to gather in the small street.
The crowd was all stopping at a point near the entrance to the bazaar, many small groups discussing among themselves what they should do. Someone had tied a horse in the narrow street, but the horse was not quite tame. It was wild and not used to being around so many people. As the crowds gathered, the horse became more restless and it did not seem safe at all to pass, or to approach the horse in the narrow street.
When people tried to go behind the horse, it would kick them, and when they tried to go around front, it would bite them.
The people were standing about discussing the problem - one man said "We should shoot the horse!", another said "If I had a long rope I'm sure I could throw it over that building...", while yet another man was saying how he thought he could subdue the animal if only he had a forked stick from a green willow tree.
Just then the crowd suddenly noticed an old man approaching down the narrow street. He was someone who was respected in the community for his wisdom. Surely, they all said he would know what to do. So the crowd parted slightly, and the old man walked to a safe distance from the wild horse to see what the problem was. The people then asked him what they all should do.
The old man said nothing, but turned and walked down another street into the bazaar.
For me, I can't "win" an argument with a "crazy person" and practicing alcoholics are quite literally "insane", especially my family members, that's why alcoholics have this thing called step two, and have to be "restored to sanity" by working the remaining 10 steps.
Now, for me, when I "engage" with a crazy person, I am "engaging" with their insanity, and I quite literally go a little crazy.
I was at a meeting last night, and after the meeting I was talking to some friends, and I noticed an old sponsee lurking in the shadows at the fringe of the conversation, I said hello and he literally
launched into a omfgimsof'duppleasehelpmeI'mgoingcrazyhelpmehelpme monologue.
So we start talking (translation: Andrew listens to a monologue, which by looking at he length of even this "short" reply you have to admit is miraculous) and it's an absolute "God Moment"...he's going through the exact same thing I have been going through, although it's "clothes", "stories" and "trappings" are different, it's
exactly the same story.
All of the sudden everything everybody has been telling me for the last few months, everything I have been reading here, hell, the last year absolutely fall into place, they make perfect sense, everything suddenly made perfect sense.
Because the situation wasn't me, and the issues were male/male platonic friendship issues rather then male/female relationship issues and family of origin issues, the differences were just enough so I could truly "hear" what was being told to me without attaching,
but the dynamic was exactly the same.
All of the sudden, I opened my mouth, and all the words of wisdom and love I have been receiving over the last months came out of my mouth and the message basically was:
"You need to walk away from this person, not because he is 'bad' or 'evil' but because he, like you, is sick, and he, the way the two of you interact, is harmful to you. You need to be able to forgive him, and forgive yourself, and walk away without anger, without blame, you need to walk away with love, embracing him in your heart as you do so."
I walked away with a lighter step then I have had in a long time, because, by working the program and remaining open and available to "be of service" I was placed in a situation to help someone else, while I received 10x the "healing" he did, guaranteed. (I even gave him some homework assignments that had been given me and I found helpful, he literally ran to his car with a huge smile on his face, he was all excited to run home and do his "homework", he's a guy, we like tools and we think the amount of work is > or = the recovery we get hehe I was just just smiling to myself and giggling as he literally ran to his car to write down his "assignments" before he forgot them, a grown man, 45 years old, practically "skipping" in the parking lot...made me smile)
Anyway, sorry for the long story, but in the last two months I've had to walk away and sever contact with: my mother, my sister, my uncle and the woman who I loved, who I ended up breaking up with and walking away from basically right after she lost our baby, along with losing contact with her daughter, who was the closest thing I think I will ever have to a daughter or child, so I have been absolutely heartbroken.
I did all these things for what I consider healthy reasons, but something broke inside me finally, just snapped....maybe it was my heart, maybe it was my denial, maybe it was the last vestiges of the alcoholic family system I have "lived inside" my whole life finally shattering...I don't know, only time will tell.
So, for me, I choose to "go down another street" today when I see a "wild horse", I'm not qualified to deal with "untreated alcoholism" in those I love today without "getting ill", maybe someday I will, although my experience says otherwise, arms length, 2-3 times a year for 2-3 hours maybe...untreated alcoholism in those I love is a concentrate, in that a little goes a long way, so small doses from a distance is best for me and walking away from mental illness in those I love is the only healthy choice for me today.