Freedom1990

Insanity = repeating the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. That applies to loves ones as well as addicts/alcoholics.

There are two books I would suggest for you-Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

Even though the infidelities and beatings had started before my exAH went back to prison on a parole violation, I wasted no time on marrying him as soon as he got out.

You see, in my mind (and with plenty of verbal reassurances from him), he was just a victim of circumstances. He was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. No one understood him. No one ever gave him a chance. He was Mr. Wonderful when I met him. I was his one and only. I was the one for him.

Then it got worse. His drinking/drug use increased to the point of paranoia. I was punched, hit in the back of the head, thrown down the basement steps, body-slammed to the floor, choked, and had the tip of a knife poking my side as he threatened to kill me.

My bar of standards was so low no one could limbo under that one. I was a shell of a person with no self-esteem, no sense of worth, nothing but a conviction that I didn't deserve any better and was damned lucky to have him (and he often reminded me of that).

The disease of alcoholism kills, and you don't even have to be the alcoholic.

Many untreated codependents have died at the hands of their abuser, or took their own lives because the pain of living with active alcoholism became too great to bear.

I am so grateful today that I left my exAH when I did, and even though it was years before I truly addressed my codependency issues, today I know I deserve respect, kindness, and healthy love, and I refuse to settle for anything less.

That exAH of mine was buried last year at the age of 47, complications from AIDS had finally won out.

Had I stayed with him only 2 weeks longer than I did, I too would have contracted HIV from him.

This disease kills.