The box: lessons learned pt.2
yet another rambling blogsp entry that I decided to post here.
A loose acquaintance called this morning... Since I've known her, she has always struck me as a very easygoing person, always filled with good natured fun. Out of the blue, and without going into specific details, I took the plunge and told her that I've been feeling very stuck and lacking in motivation lately.
Well, she babbled a lot. But her general suggestion was to be positive, and - in her words - to "think outside the box". Whatever THAT means. But that's exactly her point, I guess.
It's so easy to get swamped - I'm not saying that everyday stuff is unimportant, on the contrary. Those who lead fulfilling, exciting lives tend to be pretty optimistic; they make interesting choices. A lot of them can't afford luxuries or waste, and they're uninterested in cheap thrills and rollercoasters anyway - weekends in Disneyland. Instead, it seems as though they make the most of their lives AND limitations, making every moment count as much as possible; they also go out of their way to be available for others who need the stuff they are willing and able to offer in good faith. Maybe that means setting some goals and being open to alternatives, and letting go of self-defeating attitudes. There are many such people right here, in SR.
My box is pretty easy to spot. Last weekend's relapse ( :crazy ) taught me several lessons. One of them is that I can throw away my efforts, along with all the advice and encouragement I receive, with one reckless stunt. To say that my "relapse" was avoidable is an understatement. In fact, I'm ashamed of it. It was unnecessary and downright gratuitous - never mind risky. My own, selfish Space(ey) Mountain.
Yet it also showed me that something is definitely not working. Maybe I've been inside the box for too long; sobriety isn't a goal in itself. Maybe my definition of a dry drunk is someone who sits inside a box all day. It looks quite obvious... now. I am not downplaying the honest effort involved, but it seems like I spent the past few months basically dancing around that box, gleefully crying "whee, I'm sober, mission accomplished!!".
:day4 TA-DAAA!
That seems egotistic and crazy. I mean, I'm sober again.
Hooray.
Mission accomplished??
Uhm, NO. 