sslusser

I went by my house yesterday morning to get a few things. My son and I have been living at a friends house for the last month or so. When we moved in it was still warm and as it got colder I have been stopping by while my AW is at work to get a few things. I did it to check on my pets and the house and to get things. Imagine my surprise when the locks had been changed!

I was furious. I first called the police. Can she do this? Yes they say, it is technically her house too even though her name is not on the deed. We have been married for 12 years. Well then, can I kick the door in? The cop says yes, if you want to. So, I ask, If I kick the door in and she calls the cops are you going to come out and arrest me? No, he says. It's your house, you can kick in all the doors you want as long as you don't hurt anyone.

Well, I don't really want to kick down doors but at the moment knowing I could seemed to help calm me down.

I still had some stuff I needed to get so I called her dad and he called her. (I am trying to respect her wishes of not wanting to see me) he set it up where he would go over and she would leave, then I would come and get what I needed then he would call her back. Overly dramatic if you ask me but oh well, at least I could get warmer clothes and hats, gloves ...

She calls me an hour later and asks "What is so important that you need to come get it? I was having a good day until this and I have things I want to do after school." (She is a teacher)

Are you serious? Everything I own is in there. My life is in there. My home was in there. I told her forget it. I'd go buy a new winter coat for our son. I wouldn't want to put her out.

Later that night my daughter called and said mom had told her she signed the divorce papers and then needed to get away, which as you all know means into a bottle. So after all that she never even was at home.

I feel like I don't even know why we are getting divorced. I mean, I know why we are from my side of the fence but I have no idea why from her side. I feel like I am being punished for loving her TOO MUCH!

Her therapist won't talk to me any more because of the estrangement. She won't talk to me because she's so angry with me. It's like a train off the rails and no one knows how to turn it off.

I had a dream last night. My AW and I were in our wedding uniforms, smiling, holding hands looking at the future like it was ours for the taking. Fast forward and I see us still holding hands only I am a little further ahead because she is slowing down like extra weight is holding her back. Fast Forward and I still have a hold of her hand but now I am pulling her because she can't get there by herself. I stop and look back and see that she isn't making it so I pick her up to carry her. My arms are shaking but I would never leave her behind. Fast forward and I set her down to talk to her. I want to tell her that she can walk on her own. She is strong and I know she can make it if she wants to bad enough. She says OK and I turn to continue walking. I can see that she is trying to keep up but is stumbling and falls. When she comes back up she has changed into a monster and is only trying to hurt me. Trying to make me stop too.

Oh bother.