It's hard to know what to say. You've had some really awful experiences and they have colored your perception, of yourself and also of the world around you. We are in large part a product of our experiences and with experiences as harrowing as yours, it's hard to get past them into good mental health. I too have never liked myself much and have often hated the person I saw myself as. I haven't had the past life that you have but can totally understand the self loathing.
Wishing to shut the door on our past is just another way of trying to wipe out the horror of it. I can only say that for me, counseling is crucial to setting myself on the path to positive goals for the rest of my life. I hope you have the tool of counseling, in any of its forms, to rise above your problems with your self image and background and make some good out of your current life circumstances. Just getting these memories out 'on paper' can be a healthy purging of these negative influences.
I can empathize completely and will keep you in my prayers for a better and happier life.
:praying :ghug3