HideorSeek

It's been a while since I have posted here, so hi to old friends and greetings to new ones. I am happy to report that today is my 28th day sober and given that I had a permanent spot on the 2 week and under as well as the chronic threads, this is an accomplishment that I am proud of. It is better than I have done in over 15 years.

Believe me when I say that I have sought the universal "recipe" for sobriety for many years. It doesn't exist, IMHO, but I have found a path that is working for ME. I also know that my path may change over time, and that I must be vigilant and listen to myself (and all of you) when I feel I am on shaky ground.

I didn't believe I had a "problem" nor did I want to become sober, but my family left me no choice. About 5 years ago, they literally escorted me to an AA meeting and told me I had no choice in the matter. At that time, I ceased to drink in the open, and started to hide it. I didn't drink every day, but when I did, I really did. Of course, I denied drinking. I said I was tired, had taken Benydryl or whatever. I don't think I fooled anybody, but it went on for quite some time. They then insisted I do outpatient, which I did 2x and continued to go to AA. I really began to like AA and the people in it, but because my meetings were filled with "old-timers" (anywhere from 5-35 YEARS sober), I was unable to be honest and tell them that I couldn't put more than 4 days together. My sponsor has over 30 years and I couldn't bring myself to tell her either. I didn't pretend that I had long term sobriety (after all, I continued to go to meetings several times per week) and would periodically confess to a relapse. Occasionally, when called upon to "chair",my conscience dictated that I decline (you have to have >3 months for those that don't know).

Last spring, I found SR. The anonymity appealed to me and I felt so comforted by the fact that others were in the same boat in reference to long term sobriety. I lived on the 2 week thread, but for the first time, admitted my inability to sustain abstinence. I posted a lot in the spring and throughout the summer. Unfortunately, I still couldn't "get it". So many times I have heard AAers speak about the gift of desperation and I can't tell you how much I longed for that end point. I envied them and those on SR who rose from their own ashes, like the phoenix. But I could go for a few days only and then I would feel better. I was my own worst enemy. If there was any wiggle room, I would wriggle through and drink. For some strange reason, it was always on day 3 or 4. I ALWAYS felt badly afterward and my shame disintegrated my self esteem (not that I had a lot to lose). I would blackout regularly and would dearly pay the price the next day for what I said or did. Even if I didn't say or do anything awful, I was panicked in the middle of the night, fearing what I would have to face in the morning. I lost all faith in myself and began to question my sanity. I felt like I was unraveling faster and faster. I started to feel like I was 2 people: one who would drink and one who KNEW better but was unable to intervene.

I had belonged to the "class of July...then August...then September. All this time I felt like I was getting closer to "the end" but not quite there. But I also was feeling increasingly frightened that I wouldn't be able to prevent a free fall into self-destruction. I started to see that if nothing changed, nothing would change. I was on borrowed time in my marriage and worried about my health. By the end of September, I had my annual physical. Historically, whenever my physical was scheduled, I would think "OK, 5 weeks. If I stop now, my blood work should be OK". Well, of course I didn't and when I felt I had drunk too close to my physical date, I would change the appointment! I can't tell you how many years I did this, nor how many times I postponed the actual appointment. But this year, I'd had enough. I also had the clarity to know that I just couldn't do it on my own. I needed something to force me into sobriety, something to take the wiggle room completely out of the equation. So this year I steeled myself and told my Dr that I wanted her to put me on Antabuse (thank you Angie from SR for giving me the idea). Although I had told her years ago that I was an alcoholic, we never really discussed it. But this year, I didn't care what she thought (I am horrible when it comes to being other directed or vulnerable). I KNEW that I wanted abstinence, but I could think of nothing but a drug like Antabuse that would FORCE me to quit drinking. She did a liver function test, and pending the outcome, agreed to write me the prescription.

Thank God my liver was OK. So I started taking the pill and it has done for me what I have been unable to do for myself. This drug isn't for everyone. There are nasty (and potentially life threatening) reactions if one does drink. Plus it stays in your system for up to 2 weeks, so you can't just decide to stop one day and drink the next. This is JUST what I needed because it's my IMPULSIVITY which has caused me to drink in the past. Now I don't drink because I am petrified of the reaction. I definitely have had cravings, not FOR alcohol per se, but for the desire to escape, deaden or avoid situations or just plain myself. But it isn't an option any longer and I am learning to accept that and find alternate ways to live life in a healthy manner.

This time sober has been wonderful. I feel fabulous and slowly the messes I have made in my life are starting to heal. I am also doing some addiction workbooks, and meditating. The best thing is that I have gotten my self back. Every day I like myself a little more and that fuels me forward. I am one person again (not split in half) and am starting to identify the issues that have compelled me to drink. Those are what I need to work on and I am ready to do that. Do I miss drinking? Honestly, I miss the ahhhhh feeling (though even that was short-lived at the end). But it's not worth the devastation of my marriage, family, health, but most of all, my SELF. And I like how I'm feeling now far more than I miss the few minutes of "ahhhh". For the time being, Antabuse is protecting me and I will not stop taking it until I have to or I feel strong enough to have a go on my own. I know that it will be awhile because, sadly enough, I just don't trust myself enough yet. I am still too fragile. As much as I appreciate the gains I have made, I know that they are just the tip of the iceberg and that I could "fall" at any time.

So I think that I have finally received the gift of desperation that has been so elusive for so long. The turning point for me was ME making the decision to talk with my DR (as opposed to my family making the decision FOR me), abandoning my pride and asking for help, being honest with myself and others and also willing to take a draconian measure in order to insure my short term success until I felt confident enough to do it on my own.

This is truly a journey for all of us and, as we all know, never easy or predictable. I'd like to thank everyone for helping me to get to this point and letting me share my story. It's a beginning. :praying