Good Morning
I've promised myself I am going to be honest if I participate in this forum so here goes...I drank last night
Four beers...I feel like CRAP! I could've kept on going, but somehow I managed NOT to ask DH to go out for more beer. It wasn't even enjoyable. I felt GUILTY the WHOLE time. Totally ditched all my evening responsibilities. Had a crappy night sleep. My dreams were crazy...all people I didn't know except for my two little ones...and all revolving around alcohol. Different scenes involving things that never happened with people I did not know, but similiar to real experiences in the past...if that makes any sense. My head hurts, I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust and my house is a wreck. No stories to share, but total regret and feeling like crap.
WARNING: Long rant...emptying my head...
joinedintime's question about whether alcohol is the exclusive addiction is a good one. I would say that I have many "addictive" behaviors right now, but probably none that the average person would say are harmful. I am really struggling with my life right now. Before I get into that, I want to share my personal situation with alcohol and what I believe about myself. I think alcohol stinks for anyone. It's bad for your health...your mind and your body...period. I do believe that given the right situation in my life, I could go back to that period in my life where my drinking was considered "safe and normal", but I don't want to. It appeared "safe and normal", but looking back, as I shared yesterday, I can see how it affected me physically and emotionally back then as well. It just wasn't as "obvious". I may have not been drinking during the week, but my weekends (at least one a month) were being sabotaged and I'm certain the effects had a lot to do with how I functioned during the week...emotionally and physically. So regardless of whether I can abstain from drinking daily, fix my life and get back to that place where I COULD drink socially, I KNOW it's not good for me. I hope that all made sense. I sort of see myself standing on the edge of "The Cliff of Alcoholism" and not EVER wanting to jump, but having a real hard time walking away from the edge...does that make sense? Probably not. Since it's progressed to daily, I am probably more like HANGING on the edge, not wanting to let go, but not trying my HARDEST to climb out. All of this to say, I don't want to drink anymore...period. I see it's always been a deception. I'm having a real hard time breaking several behaviors in my life right now that are contributing to my drinking...Here goes.
First off, I am struggling with my identity. I am a 36 yo SAHM who went to college and had a career before having children. I had a very "me" focused life prior to having my children. I took very good care of myself. I have a great husband. I am in love with the IDEA of being a SAHM mom, but in reality, it just sucks. I am lonely and isolated. If I don't play with my children, I feel guilty all the time because, that is after all, why I am at home, right? We are financially drowning. My children were TERRIBLE sleepers so I became
ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE first. I am not kidding when I tell you this...it took FIVE years for us to have good night sleep. Now my sleep is not restful. I get stressed out bringing my children to the grocery store so we went from being very healthy eaters to take-out several nights a week. Unless I get up at 5am to workout (YOU GO dancingirl!), it isn't happening. I used to work out DAILY. All this to say I am now 20 pounds overweight. None of my clothes fit and money is tight so I walk around looking like a slob all the time. I use to wear designer suits and feel fabulous everyday. So I feel depressed, overwhelmed, isolated and lonely. I then became
ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET. I became
ADDICTED TO A COMPUTER GAME which is totally out of character for me. The
ALCOHOL ADDICTION came last. The first drink of the day made me relax. Things weren't as bad as I thought. No life was good. Keep drinking. See I can be happy? Never during the day, only at night when DH is home. So this turns into late evenings...bad sleep. No getting up at 5am to exercise. More coffee. Less energy. No healthy food. Poor self-esteem. No friends. Lonliness. Isolation. Depression. Now I am
ADDICTED TO LAZINESS. The alcohol wasn't the cause of all of this, but it sure put the nail in the coffin. And now that it has been established as another bad habit/addiction, it no longer gives me the "good feelings". It's the worst best friend I've ever had.
So, all this sharing to say that I have formed several bad habits/addictions whatever you want to call them that I am having a hard time breaking myself of. All of the things hightlighted/capped, are things that I am using out of habit/comfort, but are contributing to self-destruction. I am WASTING MY LIFE because I am avoiding the feelings of discomfort that come with hard work and change. Not on purpose...I just don't have any energy. I am exhausted and depressed and just need to get off this wheel. You would think that after running on this wheel so long, I would just fall off or get flung off and all would be well.
Thanks for listening to my rambling...
~M