((Chrys)))
Unfortunately, we've all been there....and sometimes we feel guilt for being unable to "get over" someone who never deserved our love in the first place. There is no reason to explain or rationalize why we love, we just do. Same with the grief. No need to explain why we're not over him "yet"....and like FD and Impurrfect say, feelings fluctuate day to day.
What has continued to help me is knowing (and repeating) that grief is a process that needs to be managed. You never "get over" someone's vacancy or death, you learn to put it in it's proper place...you "manage" it. You acknowledge the hurt, loss, etc as valid feelings that we are all entitled to. Who cares what others will think ("is she still missing HIM?").
Allow yourself to be sad, mad, etc. Realize that you learned so much from the experience, though painful. Allow yourself the space to think about him, and accept the thoughts, then "put them away" where they belong when you are finished.
Pretending you are over it will only delay the repair of your mind and heart.
I manage my grief like this.....
When I'm alone at home (controlled environment, not at work, at a meeting, in the car, etc) I allow myself to open my mind and think of my xabf, and how "we left it" unresolved with hateful words and less than loving thoughts.... I get an overwhelming feeling of sadness and desperation, along with pain and remorse. I sit on my bed and cry....sometimes it's 2 minutes....sometimes 10 or 15 minutes.
Then I think rationally about how moving on really will help me, and how much healthier I already am without him. I think about my good friends, my pets, the success I am enjoying at work, and the (daydreams) possibilities of meeting a new person who is healthy and ready for a relationship, beyond what my xabf could have ever provided.
Sometimes a mutual friend will bring up his name, or that she "saw him" somewhere, and my stomach starts to turn and I swirl with anxiety, but then I attempt to say in my head that "it's OK to feel this" and acknowledge that these are feelings associated with past codependence, not how I am "needing him" now....
All the self-head shrinking DOES help, in small steps...so I wanted to share with you, to possible lend a hand in the healing process.
Day by day, girlfriend.
: )
rivka