DII

I'm back....although my posts get further between, I'm still in it with the AW. Do you ever get the love and trust back? It's been 5 yers and while she has had progress in her disease one pattern remains. She can go almost a year and then relapse in the same pattern. You see it coming physically, emotionally, then you smell it, then denial, then a lie that it's a cold or not "feeling well", then losing control and completely intoxicated, then "I'm sorry", then I take her to detox and/or the ER because she is so sick.

Each time I love her less and want to be with her less. I "love" her but I'm not sure I will ever be in love with her again. We talked about it this weekend. She understands what the disease has done to me and the boys (18 and 15) but there are no guarantees that the pattern will ever change. I told her my boundry that will keep us together is for her to tell me sooner that she had that first drink, not lie about it even though we all know what's happening, and get her help BEFORE we are at the detox stage. She can't commit to it.

She has made progress in acceptance but I'm not sure she will ever break the cycle and I don't think I can live any longer with the same pattern that has gone on for the last 5 years. I understand the disease and I know that only she can change. All of us codies struggle with the thought "is this the last time"?. Will it be 12 months , 2 years, 5 years between re-lapses? Do I and can I keep waiting?

I told her that what she put me though is like she is having an affair. I open my heart when she is sober and then she cheats with her true love...alcohol. Like an affair, it is harder and harder to have the "heart" and love come back with each affair. I'm atthe point now where it might be gone.

Thanks for listening....