Head Is Spinning
I find myself being very down on myself today. I kind of got into it with my 35yr old son, but thinking about it I have noone to blame but myself. I created a monster translated a spoiled brat that doesn't have enough respect for me or see me as a separate person. I was really sick up until 3 yrs ago this past June. I was severely disabeled & in alot of serious pain. Many times I was in too much pain to argue about things. I was like that for 20yrs on & off. I would have better periods & then relapse or another health problem would come up. I was too sick, and weak to fight if there was a disagreement, and many times I would just give in. Plus I am sure I wasn't thinking too clearly cuz of all the medication I was on. During that 20yrs I had 6 back operations, Open Heart Surgery, plus 2 Abdominal Surgeries. I was always doctoring for something.
The last 3 yrs my life has been given back to me & it is so wonderful, but I see how dependent Chris is on me & at his age it is way past the time for it to have stopped. When Joey was coming up I was much healthier & I had firm rules for him & boundaries. He used to call me The Dragon. After my Revision I felt so good cuz Joey told his brother, The Dragon is back. He moved out when he was only 16. He moved in with my parents. Joey got like this from being overly dependent on my parents & Chris is like this from being overly dependent on me. It kills me cuz I knew better & didn't make these mistakes with Joey.
Life circumstances are what caused this to happen & instead of being down on myself cuz of what happened I have to do everything I can so Chris stands on his own 2 feet. Joey is back in jail & if my parents are truly done enabling him, I know oneday he will find his way. At least that is what I pray for. With Chris & I being so involved cuz he is a single parent I have to handle things differently.
I just needed to vent & let off some steam........thank you all for listening.
Diane