Thank you all so much for your replies, they mean a lot. I have gained good advice from everybody and will take it on board. I am also seeking a counsellor as I feel Im going crazy. Positive affirmations are a really good idea for when I feel my mind wandering down the wrong path.
We passed each other at the weekend (whilst driving) and I think thats what triggered a lot of stuff off again, then I had a weak moment and called him, it was a fairly nice conversation but then I got a not so nice text later that evening - followed by a text today saying he didnt mean the nasty ones - same old story - if you dont mean it why do it.
I know I shouldnt have called, I was just sad that after 5 years our relationship had become us only waving across the street at each other.
Ive developed anxiety around alcohol in general now that I didnt have before, even if I smell it, it brings back bad memories. Does anybody else feel like this or am I super sensitive?
You are all right - I know that no contact is the only way forward...it just makes me feel sad at the thought of not having him in my life, despite everything. I read somewhere that it takes your heart a long time to catch up with your head - I think thats so right.