DesertEyes

The way it works for me is that "grieving" is just another word for "healing". I received a great deal of emotional injuries as a result of my ex-wife's behavior. Some of those injuries were because she betrayed my trust, others were my own fault because I continued to believe in a fantasy long after it was over.

To heal means to "repair". What I needed to repair in _my_ life started with my need for a fantasy life. I had become addicted to what I _hoped_ my marriage was, and therefore blinded myself to what was _real_. I started with the 12 steps of al-anon, and modified them a little to fit my needs.

1- Admited that I am powerless over my fantasies, and that my life has become unmanageable.

I "worked" the 12 steps of al-anon just like alkies "work" their steps. I did a "fearless and thorough" inventory to figure out why I had such a deep fear of losing a bad marriage, and shared it with my sponsor. I spent a lot of time doing things that I was unable to do during my marriage, like I rented a small apartment by myself and enjoyed the _peace_. I stopped isolating and got involved in the local recovery groups. Went to art fairs and watched the sun set from a hill in a local park. I got a job that I _liked_ instead of one that paid a lot of money. I exercise and take real good care of my health. I do all the things for _me_ that I was always doing for _her_.

There were a lot of good times in my marriage, it wasn't all bad. We had a hugely busy life when we first got married so we devoted one evening a week to be "date nite". No cell phones, no kids, no interruptions. Just us. And we always had it at the same restaurant. After the divorce I couldn't even think of that restaurant without crying.

so I force myself to drive by. Not to go in. Just drive by. And think of the _good_ times we had, and be grateful to my HP for the good times. Not the bad. Eventually I was able to park outside, and later I could walk in, and then I was able to have just a soda. then I took a book and just read while I had lunch.

Little by little I replaced the pain with memories of the good times we had. Today I _love_ that restaurant. It is filled with _good_ memories for me. I have taken most of my new friends there, and I take _me_ out to lunch there once a week with a good book. No cell phones, no sponsees, no interuptions.

I've done the same thing with my whole life. Everything that caused me pain I have replaced with newer, happy memories. It was four years ago this month that my marriage fell apart, and with it my world. Today I have a whole new life that is not only happy and wonderful, it is free of fantasies. I've got a cute little condo with a window that faces out onto some grass and a tree (that's a big deal in Vegas, believe me!!! ), a great job that I love, tons of friends, and even a fantastic relationship that's going to be a year old next month.

Everything that I lost I have gotten back, in much better quality. I look back and thank my HP for having given me so many good times, and for having gotten me thru the bad times. It's a shame that marriage ended bad, but I'm glad it ended before it got even worse. It doesn't hurt anymore. A little ache now and then, like an old injury that has turned into a touch of arthritis, nothing more.

That's how I grieved, how I healed, and how I made a new life for myself.

Mike