Alaia
dont be hard on yourself we all have to walk our own path just as our addicts do~~~and some of us are slow learners ( I know this because I AM!!!!)
many times I said this is it, I cant take this again, I wont let him come back I will leave him, if he loved me hed stop, ect ect
but the thing is, my addict is still in my life and he has relapsed and then done alll the right things,OVER AND OVER AGAIN~~~ hes done the intensive inpatient and intensive out patient
hes been to doctors and therapist and yet he stays clean 3, 6 months and then out again only to be "sorry" and then another good 3 to 6 months clean working a program and doing all he can to stay clean right up to the moment he uses!~
What have I learned?
well I am learning that all those feeelings of "feeling bad" for him, my inability to watch him suffer or to be homeless, my fear he'd get clean and be all that I wanted or thought we had once I left him That I just "counldnt give up on him"
well ALL those feelings EVERY single one WERE about me
when I was able to finally get honest with myself I see that I want to fix him, I want to be needed by him because somehow in some twisted way I learned that being needed was being LOVED
I have also learned that NO matter what I DO or dont do the choices are his to make
at this point I just continue to look at me, my part in things and to accept that HE doesnt DO anything to me that I dont allow I finally accept that hes still in my life because I want him here, I no longer make excuses or tell myself I need to help him or fix him I have accepted that I cant, no-one can! only he can fix himself
I also accept that his choice do use drugs has nothing to do with me, its not a reflection of if he does or doesnt love me I no longer take it personal, I accept that its a symptom of his disease
I am more focused on myself, I'm learning to detach and also to work on healing myself my fears
I love him, and I wish that he could find sobrity and keep it but that may never happen and eventually I may need to leave him behind but for now, I choose to work on myself and yet enjoy the times when hes clean and pray that one day he gets it!!
Maybe you need to walk the long difficult path like me and so many others, I know its nothing I would want for you or anyone else for that matter But I'm also learning that it doesnt matter what we want for others it comes down to what they want for themself
best wishes for you!!