A boundary story
When making the arrangements to physically separate from my husband (renting a new place, setting up utilities, etc..) AH commented that he thought he would have less desire to drink when I wasn't living in the house.
He theorized that he drank, in part, out of rebellion. If I wasn't there, who would he have to rebel against?
At the time, I found this line of thinking very painful. It made me angry. I felt as though he was blaming me for his problems.
But arguing with him wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. I didn't really believe that I was the problem - although I know that I contributed to it - but attempting to defend myself would have been pointless.
At that time I decided that I no longer wanted to talk to my husband about his drinking.
I established a "no alcohol" discussion policy. I didn't tell him about this boundary - it was there to keep me protected from pointlessly painful conversations.
We both know that there's a problem.
We both know what can be done to address that problem.
What's left to talk about?
All this to say.....
While speaking with AH the other night, he mentioned the "maybe it's your fault because I need to rebel" conversation of so many weeks ago.
He looked me in the eyes and said, "I was wrong. I really have a problem, even when you're not here. Especially when you're not here."
And I said, "That sounds hard, but I'm not able to talk to you about alcohol. I'm sure you'll take care of yourself." Then I changed the subject (-this sounds mean when I type it, but I assure you, I was very kind).
He stammered all over the place. Apologized for bringing it up.
For so long, I was the one who wanted to talk about his drinking. For so long, he could hook me back into the madness by throwing me a little "you're wonderful, I'm the one with the problem" bone.
No more.
I know better now. We're both people with problems. I'm taking steps to correct mine. He's fully capable of doing the same. It is not my job to show him the way.
Here's to taking care of my issues, and respecting other people enough to let them deal with their own!!!
-TC