So I quit my job today. donated all of my teaching stuff to an integrated pre-school.
And guess what? Before I could finish packing....he came back. Texted me to tell me he was okay. Walked in as if nothing had happened, and he did nothing wrong. Didn't apologize. I didn't raise any fights, because what is the point really? I just want to leave it all so I can breathe....so I can relax and finish cooking this bun in the oven!
So now I'm faking a song and dance until I can actually make a break for it. Is this really my life? Am I actually doing this?
I'm leaving. I have quit my job. There is no turning back. And yet there is guilt....there is hurt. I wonder if he will be okay. I worry that he'll hurt himself.
I DO LOVE HIM.
And how could I just be expected not to love him over night? I think I feel guilty because for the most part I am an honest and good person. I don't enjoy revenge.
And so...
I went out and bought him groceries. And filled his car with gas. And bought him two packs of cigarettes. Dear Lord, I am such a codie----but you know what? it made me feel better, somehow.
Everyone tells me that maybe this is the kick in the pants he needed. I am hopeful....but part of me kind of knows just how it will go. And I don't think it looks pretty.
He kept having auditory hallucinations tonight. Said he heard sirens in his ears. I can't help but wonder if God is trying to tell him......
I am no longer filled with anger......now it's more sadness.
We are leaving when we get the chance tomorrow. Everything is packed but my books, my clothes, and my computer. And we are jumping off into the unknown. I know we'll be okay.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I will touch base as soon as possible when I get to New York. SR is my newest addiction
Love and Hugs,
K