Originally Posted by
Reddmax 
Respeckting, I'm not necessarilly saying codependency isn't bad. Theissue I'm trying to clarify in mind is where the line is drawn. I'm generally considered to be a nice guy, which means I'm polite, considerate, thoughtful, etc. What I'm trying to seperate in my mind is which context makes an action considerate, or co-dependent. That's the tricky part.
If I clean up the house because my AW is busy doing school work, that's considerate. If I clean up the house because she's been too drunk to do it, that's co-dependent. If she rages at me because she's drunk, and I leave the room, that's setting a boundary. If she apologizes, then what do you do? She doesn't mean it, because she's just going to do it again. If she wants wine, and I don't buy it, that sets the boundary. If we go grocery shopping and she buys wine, did I just allow her to violate a boundary?
This is sooooo confusing.
Redd
Redd, I think you're misunderstanding what boundaries are about. Boundaries are
not about getting other people to behave the way you want them to. They're about what
you find acceptable or not. To take your example - if the house is a mess and it bugs you, then clean it. If you find yourself always clearing up the mess, then talk to your partner about it. If you can't come to a compromise that means you both do proportionate amounts of housework, then you need to decide whether you can live with that or if it's a deal-breaker.
If she does rages at you and you leave, then that's ok if your boundary is "I will not stick around and be raged at by an angry drunk". On the other hand, if your boundary is "I won't stay in a relationship with someone who feels it's ok to get drunk and rage at me for no reason" then you need to rethink where you go from here. An insincere apology doesn't change that. It took me a while but I finally "got" that particular one when I realised that walking away when my XAGF was raging wasn't to teach her a lesson or even to make a point. It was that, simply, in my life, at that moment in time, there were many more enjoyable things I could be doing than being pointlessly raged at by a drunk. If she later came along and apologised then that wouldn't have affected the fact that by then, I was doing something that I found more fun. Not that my XAGF was one for apologies...
As for the buying wine at the grocery store: That, to me, would come down to "who's paying?" If she's paying for everything then, honestly, she can do what she wants with her money. If she's expecting you to pay for it then I'd just say to the cashier "Sorry, there's been a mix-up, I'm not paying for those bottles". Will it trigger a rage? Probably. You'll be getting between her and her next fix and that will often make an addict unhappy. But are you living your life doing what you think is right, or just living your life trying to minimise the opportunities that your wife has to bully you into doing what she wants?
You can have the most robust and righteous boundaries in the world and they won't change another person's actions a jot. Boundaries aren't about changing them; boundaries are about changing you. They are about making it clear to yourself that you are allowed to choose how you are to be treated and what is, or is not, acceptable to you.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
Mr B.