Hi Amber
I second Denny, have you been to an Al Anon meeting? It really does help you stay focused on what you need to work on for you.
You sound like you are in a lot of pain and are questioning yourself a lot. Have you read the stickies in Classic Reading at the top of the forum? There is also a best of SR area with some really great posts on Al Anon and working the steps.
Take care of you and remember the three C's-You can't Control it, You didn't Cause it, and You can't Cure it. Peace.