Hi, Bam... I had a thought yesterday that might be helpful to you. Obviously I'm a mess right now, but like you, am working on it
I felt so much better after telling those important people about my sobriety etc., and I realized that while I was holding that secret and all the fear that went with it, nothing else could come in. When I let it go, I had room for other things... I can work on my paper and begin to problem-solve for all the crap going on. When I let go of drinking, other stuff had to come in, and replace drinking in my life. When I find positive things to let it, I feel better and better. When negative things come in, including fear of drinking again, despair, anger, I start thinking, this does not feel better than drinking. My mind goes alcohol-hunting until I let the despair and fear and anger go, and do something like call a loved one, go to a meeting, read a funny book... anything. Or at least call my doctor and say, "I am not feeling right, we need to adjust my meds!" Which is what I tried to do on Friday, but she never got back to me. *sigh* Whatever, not the point. I don't mean to oversimplify whatever's going on with you... just thought this might be helpful, because I was a hair away from drinking a couple days ago, and trying to figure out exactly why I didn't!
I thought for a second maybe it's because I'm not a
real alcoholic. But then I started to crave like a fiend, and my sponsor reminded me of the liver inflammation incident and other tales, and I revisited Step One.