cagefree

When it first dawned upon me what codependency was, how much of a codependent I am - I was reading Melodie Beattie's Codependent no more.

Every trait listed I saw in myself and immediately felt sick and overwhelmed. Feeling guilty for having allowed myself to become this way, I vowed to wipe those things from myself as though they were dirty shameful and disgusting attributes of me.

My therapist has this great analogy for doing for others or for ourselves. It's like a pendulum. It's nice to be in the middle. Codependents swing towards others, and when I discovered my dirty little secret - my pendulum was all the way on the other side. MY goal was for middle ground.

I became selfish for the first time in my life. I needed to be there I wanted to take care of myself. I didn't help plan parties, I didn't offer to do late shifts, I didn't help anyone if I felt I would rather be home sitting in front of the TV.

I then realized that it wasn't the act of helping, or doing something for someone else that made me a nasty codependent...it was why I did it. Could I still be a good person if I didn't sacrifice for someone else? Could I tell someone I was not happy with something they did, instead of going out of my way doing something for them so they'd like me and stick around?

So many others here have said it - motives - why you do it. I believe that's what made me a codependent, not the act of doing.

To quote a song "When I tried to make it more, it was always less. There's a thin line between pleasing yourself and pleasing somebody else."