Originally Posted by
Soconfused11 
how would my life be different if Chris and I were to ever separate for good, and really move on. To be with someone I trust, someone who really cares, someone that I dont' have to worry about slipping up and hurting me.
This part of your post really stood out to me.
I'm coming to realize that, for me, there is little hope for a deep, meaningful, fulfilling relationship with my AH if we are unable to trust each other.
My heart can't freely belong to someone who has shown himself historically unable to care for it.
From what you've described, it sounds like you each are looking for more than this relationship is giving you:
he looks for / dreams of / goes to
alcohol
you look for / dream of / go to
another man (though not in the physical sense).
Eerily similar, no?
You want more. That's okay. From your post it sounds like you have very healthy dreams (trust, caring, freedom from persistent fear) - just realize that leaving Chris to begin a relationship with Matt will not necessarily fulfill those dreams.
Occasionally I get a bad case of the "If I could just get rid of this jacka$$ and find an non-addict to take care of me my life would be swell"s.
Recovering from codependency has a lot to do with recognizing that I tend to look to other people to give my life meaning and show me my worth.
But SoConfused, you
are worthwhile.
Without Chris.
Without Matt.
Without anyone else.
Just because you are you.
You are beautiful on un-showered, house-cleaning Saturday's, even if there's no one there to say it.
If you choose to share that beautiful life with someone else (whoever they may be), I hope that they add to its beauty.
-TC