A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A "codependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. The "codependent" party exhibits behaviour which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.
This quote from Anvil's reply is worth my reading it over and over...
Redd...
The codependant dance is all about denial. The controller is controlling the shots and doing all those things we talk about here. But it's an illusion because the true controller in this dance is the other person in this kind of relationship.
They set the mood, call the shots, cause the problems, blame the other person etc etc...because when I have an illusion of control I have created the perfect playground for all those behaviors to continue.
When I attend open AA and NA meetings...I've heard the codie referred to as 'their hostage'...it is a very accurate description except for one tiny detail.
I Thank God...I don't have to stay in that hostage role. When I do the work and take the suggestions of others I can break free of that and the insanity stops.
Whether I call myself a codependant or not does not matter. If that other person is running the show and running down their own life and everyone else's who is in their path...including me- it's a huge problem.
I can't stop a hurricane but I can evacuate the area, or take shelter; protect myself and learn not to be swept away by a force outside myself.
It's not about why or how, but about what actions take place on both sides of this.