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Old 10-02-2008, 07:12 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Mr B
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
I don't know, but I'd suspect that a relationship between a serious co-dependent and an averagely emotionally "healthy" person would end up with frustrations in both directions. The co-dependent will be trying to control the other because of their ingrained habitual codie patterns of behaviour. Those behaviour patterns aren't all nice (and I'm speaking for my own personal codie issues here); martyrdom for example is, essentially, attempting to guilt-trip someone into doing what you want them to do. Quite a lot of codie behaviour is, in my opinion of my own past actions, an attempt at emotional manipulation of others. That's why the addict / codie dance goes on for so long; we're both playing the same game from different ends.

I'd imagine that the mythical "emotionally healthy" person would tire of the codie games quite quickly. The codie would also likely feel frustrated because there he is, playing the only role in a relationship that he knows how to play, but the other person isn't playing along. The responses are wrong, the other person would be honest about their feelings and failings but also wouldn't take on responsibility for the codie's feelings. I don't know if that's universal among codies but, in retrospect, I spent a lot of time thinking "My XAGF made me feel angry / upset / whatever" Nope. She was just being an alcoholic, doing what alcoholics do. It was me that took her thoughtlessness and selfishness personally.

Now, a codie who has a sense of where they've been going wrong and which of codie habits are unhealthy and who can take constructive criticism... Yes, then I can see that kind of relationship working. But an unreconstructed codie who is unaware of their issues is, I'd suggest, someone who is going to have relationship problems no matter what until they start to address it. I've been single now for a couple of years now because I want to be sure I'm emotionally ready to move on to a new relationship. And I've learned a lot about myself in this time, not least that I can rely on myself a lot more than I ever thought I could.

Mr B.
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