Redd, my husband and I are a classic example of codependency gone wrong! 19 years of an alcoholic marriage destroyed both of us. His drinking wasn't the only problem. I became codependent and took "control" of his responsibilities. The more I did that, the more I took away from who I was. He stopped being responsible, I took over, he never dealt with the consequences, I took on more, he blamed me for all that was wrong in his life including his drinking, I accepted that and tried more. On and on and on. I stopped existing as a person and was just this shell that was being eaten away by someone elses addiction. No real happiness, serenity, peace, sense of being.
He is recovering now and so am I. Guess what? It's flipping hard. He's used to me taking care of everything and doesn't know how to do it for himself. The difference this time is that I am not stepping in any more. I am stepping back. I am making him make his own decisions. I am not wearing myself out trying. Trying to do, trying to fix, trying to control. All done!!!
Example: He laminated his social security card years and years ago. He now needs it to try and get himself out of some of his legal troubles. So he needs to go to the social security office to file for a replacement card. In the past, I would have taken time off from work, driven him, resented doing it and made things more hectic for me in an already hectic schedule. This time, I printed out the location of the office, gave him the bus schedule, reminded him of people who had offered help with rides and left it at that. Know what? He did it. He managed and in the process I kept my sanity.