My fear: Being alone
In true codie fashion, I have decided to post today about my worst fear: Being alone.
I was born into a very loving household, and I am an only child. My mother has suffered from manic depression since the day I was born, if not before. We were separated at birth when she went to recover from post partum psychosis. She was in the hospital for 30 days.
I am nearing the end of my first pregnancy and although I know I am not my mother, I am petrified of someone taking my child away from me.
Lastnight I had a dream that I was in the hospital, and I woke up to find an IV in my arm with codeine coursing through my veins. I want a completely drug free labor, and the fact that I woke up so disoriented scared the crap out of me. There was no one at the hospital by my side. My ABF apparently had gone home.
I told my ABF that I had a nightmare and he said that the doctors and nurses in my dream must have loved my award winning personality. I told him that I was scared of being alone and he replied that I certainly would be....so that he could go home to sleep and shower and eat. He of course rolled over and went to sleep, and when I started crying he asked what was wrong.....but was obviously to comfortable to comfort me at all.
I have been grappling with the decision of leaving my ABF before I go into labor to live with my parents. For such a joyous occasion I should have folks surrounding me with love, not someone who may or may not even show up because he needs a cigarette or because it will interfere with his habit.
I know the dream is a manifestation of more than just being alone in the hospital. I know that the concrete boots that I seem to be wearing are because of my own fear of leaving, of being alone....of raising a baby alone.
I am so emotionally exhausted. I am trying to focus on my needs and the baby. I'm also formulating a plan in my head, should I just jump in the car and go. It is so hard when in addition to that I'm worried about our finances if I stay (ABF lost his job 2 weeks ago----my fault of course).
I have a disease. I am a codie. My addiction is worrying about others.