I think part of what enabled me to finally leave was fully admitting to myself that I was uncomfortable in my own home and dreaded coming home from work.
Yep. This is when I KNEW that the life I was CHOOSING to live was just NOT going to work. It is MY house and to have feelings of dread to walk into your OWN house is not a good thing. Every day at work I'd worry and fret about what I would "walk into" when I got home. I finally realized that I didn't have to live that way.
I tend to idealize the marriage, looking back to the early days and the companionship.
Rosie - I STILL do this!! I find myself remembering all the "good" times or all of the "sweet/passionate" things he would say to me. Ugh. But as I've been told many times on here - you have to play the tape ALL THE WAY THRU in order to heal. When I start to think about how sweet he could be - I make myself remember the hatefulness or argumentativeness (is that a word? lol) he would show after having a few drinks. He took me for granted and had a weird belief that if you LOVE someone - you LOVE them thru anything. Ya know I'm all for "for better or worse" but come on!! Someone that is fighting an addiction (and in denial to boot) in my opinion, doesn't have the ability to have a "healthy love" for their partner.
And Rosie - I STILL find myself missing him. But I think I miss my hopes and dreams rather than him as a person...sometimes it's just hard to seperate the two.
And yes it DOES get better.