yeah i know my post was long
, and it doesnt even cover half of the stuff ive been through with him
i know what i have to do, its just a hard process, i think my miscarriage was gods way of saying you dont want to do that with this guy, but i was stubborn so he gave me exactly what i asked for, i love my son beyond belief and hes not even here yet, but i wonder even if he never meets his father, that he could still end up an alcoholic because its genetic, and its not only on his fathers side, its also on my side also
i wish and pray every night that my husband will never contact me again, never give me the choice to take him back, i simply just want him to leave me alone forever, but i know that it will probably not happen , he always falls apart sooner or later, im trying to convince my parents that as soon as i get back to working and get the money we need to move, cause right now he knows where i am, but its a matter of getting money, with the economy everyone is struggling, i know if i could just get somewhere that he doesnt know anything about me, i would be ok, and i could protect my son, i dont think he will take me to court for custody cause he never has any money and hes not about to not drink to save money but its my biggest fear that he will get visitation
i dont know why i love him, or why anyone loves an alcoholic, i can listen to my dad talk about his mother and im like she was an idiot for staying, but im the same way, everyone can look at somebody else and say i wouldnt put up with that, i do that with my friends or family yet i stay with someone like i did so i cant judge either
but i do know im getting stronger everyday, i think my son will be my saving grace, i will do anything to protect him and i want to get back to school and get us our own place where we never have to struggle and only i can do that for my son, maybe if it was only me i would end up back with my husband but i dont think i could put my son in that situation, cause what my husband has done has been his own fault but if i put my son in that situation then that becomes my fault, and i dont truly believe i could ever forgive my husband, i just feel really lonely and feel completely dumb having to explain that my child was planned yet his father ran off, alot of times i just let people think i was a ho or something instead of explaining my situation, i feel like a failure like i did something wrong, even though i know i didnt, i still have that feeling
im also tired of my family saying, oh you'll meet someone and get remarried, well i have no interest right now in other men, i want to focus on my son and going to school, i have very very hard times coming because i have to work and go to school and take care of my child, i dont have time for dating, nor do i want to, i always end up with an alcoholic/or drug addict, until i fix that i dont want another relationship
and ive tried al-anon, and its not for me, i felt very uncomfortable there, i dont like talking to alot of people, im a very shy person, i have social aniexty , its just not for me, i am going to get that book on co-dependancy, i think that will help
i just keep waitin for the day that i dont think about him and it doesnt hurt anymore...