IPT

So, it's been a while since I’ve posted. After a fun 5 day trip with my g/f we got back and after 2 days she had to go use (just weed, but a drug is a drug and it takes time away from “us”). She felt that since we had so many good days together I should understand. She was surprised I was still upset. She made it back that night but the next morning said she was still upset. After we spoke she said she was unsure of many things and struggling, that she didn’t know what she wanted. She ultimately took all her things from my house and left. Strangely she came over the next few days and we had a good time. Then the next weekend she opened up about some of her struggles. I tried to be supportive but she ended up feeling like I didn't understand and feeling that I trivialized her issues. She left that morning because she “just needed some time” and said she'd be back in the AM. I told her history showed she wouldn’t make it back. She got upset again (“you always judge me on the past”) and assured me she would make it, then cancelled by text 2 hours after she was supposed to be over.

Ugh...I texted her back that she I was tired of her only being around for fun things (we had another trip planned for the up-coming weekend) and that I would see her in a few weeks. Then she sort of pursued me by text for a few days and then withdrew (“hope you are happier without me…”). We were supposed to meet last Wed, she postponed (she wasn't "ready yet"). Friday same thing, but we spoke on the phone. The long and short of it was she was struggling with a lot of things and felt too much pressure from the relationship and my expectations. She wasn't sure what she wanted in life in general. She felt bad enough about herself and my expecting her to change and having a hard time with her slips were too much for her. After much prodding from me about why she never showed that Sunday she said because she was “upset”. I suggested that since she didn’t know what she wanted (and I had barely seen her for 3 weeks )I was going to start seeing other people. She said she understood.
Next day she texted me that she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me but just wasn’t ready right now (huh??). She said she didn’t want to lose me. That she was ashamed of her addiction and that she was sorry her “use” was hurting me as that was never her intention.
Sooo, here I am (sigh). Sad, feeling like I failed in some way, and feeling the loss of all the good time we did and could have had. Oscillating back and forth between waiting to hear from her, or making the mental decision to grieve, accept the loss (if it is really that..as clearly she has some issues to work out) and move on. My friends are sad for me, but in general think I should have left long ago. Still sad and painful for me. I hate that I am second guessing myself. Did I give her enough space? Was I too harsh? Were my expectation too high? Could I have done anything different?

The good news is that I did learn to keep my feelings in check, not over-react, make crazy phone calls, or manipulate. Thanks in a large part to this place.