Littlebird, I am sorry your life has been so enmeshed with addiction. However, there is light at the end of the long tunnel, honest.
and no one knows, i have no one to cry to 'but all of you...
That is not quite true. Yes, you have us here at SR, but now would be a good time for you to find some Alanon meetings for YOU. There you will find some great folks, who you can call and talk with, whenever you need, folks who have been where you are now, or are where you are now. Alanon is for YOU, not him.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Love and hugs,