Hi Crystal Dreams,
You sound so low - be aware that here, you're not alone!
I'm glad you found this site - it can be a life changing experience!! Take the time to read the stickies at the top of this forum - there is a whole load of very good information there.
Your H seems to have a problem with drinking and YOU have a problem with his drinking. You need to focus on you and your needs - start taking care of you! Remember the three C's - You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it! You're the only one who can look after you. Step back, metaphorically, from the rollercoaster ride of living with an alcoholic and learn to detach with love. I recommend Medoldy Beattie's book 'Co-dependant No More' - it really helped me to deal with my AH's drinking in a practical way. It has also started me on my road to recovery from living with an alcoholic.
There are loads more friendly people here who will no doubt be able to share their experiences with you much better than I can.
Take care.:ghug