Thanks sadgirl, though I do wish you didn't have to deal with this either! It's such a stupid crappy thing to have in your life. I spend so much time wishing this problem would go. I've been reading lots of stories of people's mums drinking on this forum and it's all so sad. So many women who seem to be so unhappy that they destroy themselves and then pass on that unhappiness to their families.
I had another one of these awful conversations with my mum the other day where she told me again and again that the alcohol was the only thing that stopped her from killing herself, and I think I understood a bit more some of the things that people have been saying on this forum. About not feeling responsible, and Dothi's advice about not getting into these conversations! I could have avoided it, I was just feeling so frustrated and I wanted to say things that might make her stop but it was just bad and unhelpful. I hope now to avoid that. I was so upset afterwards I must have spent a good hour crying, until I fell asleep on my sofa in my room because I was just exhausted.
Sometimes there are such stupid things which frustrate me. Like I find it so hard to be around when she's drunk and I get so upset and I can't control my feelings about it at all. We had dinner tonight and as usual I could barely eat or hold a conversation with her. She's so offensive and dull and repetitive. She'd made an amazing dinner with really nice marsh-fed lamb or something and it's just stupid but I wish she would stop making amazing dinners and then getting pissed because I can hardly eat a thing and half the food goes to waste. Oh well, at least the dog enjoys it.
Those things which your mum went through are terrible. Do you think her problems are a result of never having any counselling about those experiences? I think my mum could have benefitted from proper treatment a long time ago, it seems like it's too late now. I just hope that I never end up like this.
I wish I had the option to have a bit more distance. I broke up with my boyfriend recently who lived really near (shot myself in the foot haha) and my new boyfriend is in the US, so I can't exactly go over for a weekend. And these days I can't feel like I can talk about this very much -- he's coming to stay for three weeks at Christmas and I don't want to scare him! He's very sensitive and I know he'd understand, but it seems like so much to dump on someone. I don't want him to worry about meeting my mum. It used to be easier to talk about this stuff when I could just complain that my mum drank too much and I didn't like it, now it's threats of suicide it puts it on another level.
Anyway, thanks for replying! I have too much to say about this stuff ...