I did a double take when I first read your post, assuming you were my wife. But hearing you’re married almost 30 years and that he’s been sober 4, made me realize it wasn’t.
Here’s how I used to live after getting to AA and not drinking:
• I consciously chose to attend "Anything" Anonymous meetings under the guise of Alcoholics Anonymous. Meaning, the problem of the day was discussed and rather than the solution. No one else’s fault, that was all mine.
• I picked & chose the way I worked the steps. My first 4th (inventory) did not contain ALL my fears, resentments, sex conduct & harm to others nor did it contain a column 4. Rather, it was a biography.
• My first 5th was done half-baked at best and the human I shared it with, was picked specifically based upon my knowing he'd not push me to focus on "connecting the dots".
• Skipped what I feel are two of the most important steps, 6 & 7.
• My first 8th consisted only of "easy" people to make amends with.
• My first 9th, were apologies ... not amends.
• Did no 10th on a regular basis
• Missed the concept of 11 and rather, continued praying for what I wanted.
• Picked and chose what alcoholics I wanted to “carry the message” to.
I was married 22 years when I too found a woman in AA "who understood me" better than the woman I asked to marry me. I was 17 years sober. I justified & rationalized, that my wife & I had grown apart due to the fact that she couldn’t understand me like this alcoholic woman.
Our marriage was not horrible, but it wasn't what either of us "signed up for", as you stated. Life was better because I didn’t drink, but her & I were not in a partnership. We had two daughters in their late teens, we focused solely on them and doing all we could to help ensure they chose good paths, etc. When it came to her & I, we were in love but the love was based upon being a good father or mother, the jobs we did around the home and things of that sort. Who we each lost some where in time, is who that other person was sitting across from us.
Call it my conscious, God or what ever you will. The day came where I couldn't stand living with myself yet again. I sat her down and came completely clean. For the second time in our marriage, I crushed her ... the woman who so many years ago, I deemed as being my partner for life. I never had a physical relationship with the AA woman, but it was a very emotional affair. I later learned, this to be the worst kind.
I sought professional counseling and my wife did too. We progressed to joint counseling. I faced myself and honestly admitted I had not put a quarter of the effort into my recovery that I did in trying to get a drink so many years ago. I changed ALL my meetings. I sought a sponsor who actually lives AA outside of the rooms. I found one with 44 years and who had the experiences of what I had done. I worked the 12 steps sincerely & honestly and I do everything in my power, to live them in my life on a daily basis.
A person, who ascribes to being a member of AA exclusively under our 3rd tradition without the honest effort of working AA, is someone who has untreated alcoholism. This MAY be your husband.
I can’t & won’t tell you what to do. But I shared what I did. Maybe, there’s something in it that will move you to action, what ever that may be. I will say this (and probably take a beating for doing so), I don’t ascribe to this concept of “out growing” my mate. If my mate were a practicing alcoholic while I was trying to be sober myself, that’s one issue. But if after being in recovery I say to my mate, I’ve out grown you or we’ve grown apart and leave without any effort at all with some help to try to save it, I’m running away.
I did not save my marriage nor did my wife. WE saved our marriage. For me, It would not have been possible without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, professional help and a faith in GOD as I understand Him. For my wife, it was her unshakable faith in God, what she learned oh so many years ago in Alanon and what she said, was the commitment that she made in front of all our friends & family at the alter the day we wed.
She told me not so long ago. “I know I can live my life without you. There was a time, I didn’t think I could. God will never leave me … no matter what happens between you & I. I want to be with you, because I love you for you and for what I know can be an incredible journey as partners”.
I’m 20 years sober and love this woman more than I did the day I married her. God willing, we'll celebrate our 25th anniversary in May of 09'. I still attend AA meetings 3 times a week. I attend men’s groups and step study & application meetings. I don’t do “Anything” Anonymous any more and know that if I don’t make a conscious effort each and every day to care more about you than I do myself, I won’t be far from picking up a drink. If this is truly a progressive disease, I’m dead if I drink.
You love your husband … I hear it & feel it in the way you wrote. You well know, you can’t change him. But you can damn sure do something about you. Do what ever you have to do to be OK with YOU. Always remember, you are not alone. Wish I could say it’ll be easy, but I won’t lie .. this type of thing sucks.
I’m going to pray that God shows you His will and that He gives you the strength to see what that is and the power to carry it out.