I could not have said that better, grewup.
Is there one small victory you could orchestrate for yourself? I'm a big believer now in giving myself small opportunities to do daily things differently and better, as proof that I DO have control over my emotional choices. I like logging those experiences in a "Proof journal" (part of my issue too is that I can't see how far I've come, so despair sets in sometimes).
It comes from something a coach out there espouses, "doing one thing differently" -- choosing one small action that we can change for the better, then practice until it becomes habit. Then try another. I found that mentality more helpful than years of theoretical counseling. It was action that made a difference for me, not more thinking.
Wishing you a great day!!