Do I struggle with the program!! YES!! Because the program is about me, and I thought I knew me, then found out I didn't. Worse than that - I found out I really wasn't very clear about WHO I want to be and what that should look like, and how to get there.
Alanon has helped me understand that many of us in the program are:
Controlling
Anal
Perfectionists
Judgmental
Whiny
Martyrs
And I am, or have been... all of the above.
By using those character defects, I focused a TON of energy on the rest of the world, and (not even consciously) took the focus off me. Alanon is uncomfortable because I am not only turning the focus back on me, I am turning a dadgummed SPOTLIGHT on me.
But in the long run, I have become a happier, calmer, saner person.
It took me a while to find a sponsor in the program, but I was finally motivated to do so when I was complaining that my addict kids - didn't have a sponsor, didn't got to meetings several times a week, didn't read the literature and weren't working the steps. Someone (who eventually became my sponsor) asked me if *I* was doing those things.... Chagrined, I said "no". And being a bit of a perfectionist - I got right on it!
Today, I also know that in addition to be controlling, I can be attuned... in addition to being anal, I can be thorough... in addition to being a perfectionist, I can be very good, and in addition to being judgmental, I can know right from wrong. These character defects have two faces. And today, I can accept that.
So there are fewer days that I am whiny. And I know longer need to martyr myself in order to gain your love and attention.
What helped me MOST with this was working the TRADITIONS. Because the 12 steps are all about US, but the 12 TRADITIONS are all about how to deal with YOU... and I am, at heart, a codependent.
You might check to see if anyone is doing a study group - these things go faster in groups like that, and you can build incredible relationships with the other folks.
I wish you the best.