Glad you're here with us, grewup. There's a good community here, and all kinds of different experiences and angles on growing up with alcoholism. I LOVE teachers!!
Can you picture what your life would look like without your mistrust? What your DAY would look like, how it would be different? Sometimes (in my case anyway) all the help in the world wasn't helping me because I couldn't visualize a life without my anger, fear, and suspicions. How would I sound? How would I react to telemarketers, the coffee shop guy, the mailman? How would it look when I met someone I liked?
I really believe that if we can't picture where we want to be, it's hard as heck to get there.
I also had the problem of not realizing that my traits (above) were such an deeply-embedded part of my character that I subconsciously felt -- no, I KNEW -- that I would not survive without them. The world would come in and hurt me, take advantage of me, and I'd end up a victim again.
I was my issues, and they were me. I had to work hard to throw that identity away (scared me. to. death. ) and build myself a new one, brick by brick, that was courageous, smart, and strong enough to withstand anything the world threw at me.
And when you feel strong enough, there is no longer any need for paranoia. Because short of some unlikely crime against my person, there is nothing that can hurt me.
That's my journey, anyway. I still have a long way to go, but with the help of a good counselor experienced with ACoA, the awesome people here, my spiritual life, Martha Beck, a new-found exercise habit (I snowshoe too!), fresh air, light, and friends, I think I have a better than average chance of coming out of this alive.
Come on along, grewup. It's just all about taking the next right step. Then another, then another. What's that they say? "Left. Right. Repeat"
:ghug3