For me boundaries are about my own behaviour not anothers.
For example, if I don't like what another person is doing, I'll leave the room.
If I don't like the way a conversation is headed, I'll stop conversing.
The only thing I know about ultimatums is, if I'm gonna give them I got to be prepared to put my money where my mouth is and follow them up.
You also see to be quite informed on your wifes 'defects'.
You are aware that recovery is about focusing on your own?