adore79

I have not been doing well lately I really need to vent. It seems that whenever I start feeling better I force myself to focus on something negative to put me back in the dumps. I realize that my current living situation is not very condusive to happiness or sobriety but I am finding increasingly impossible to change it. I have too much time on my hands and spend too much time in my head.

I really need to find employment. I’ve always been a good employee wherever I worked, and really prided myself on it. I am a very different person though now than I was a year ago. I feel now like a shell of my former self and I find it completely impossible to deal with people. The few job interviews I’ve had recently have all gone terribly, I feel fine before I go to them, but when I am in front of the interviewer anxiety goes through the roof, my mind goes blank, I stutter and speak in sentence fragments. I wasn’t always like this.

I had to go to jury duty yesterday, I was exited about it because I would finally be able to do something productive. But as I sat in the room with the other jurors I became stiff and unmoving with fear, I kept getting dizzy to the point where I thought I would black out and the whole time I was on the verge of tears. Thankfully I wasn’t chosen from the juror pool, I don’t know what would have happened if I had to stay there all day.

I don’t feel like I am part of the human race anymore. I find it difficult to believe that I will not drink today but I will try not to. Thanks for letting me share.