Hi odaat,
It's good to see you again. I'm sorry for your struggles, but I'm glad you're not drinking.
I needed a lot of outside help when I found myself having lust issues (and others) when I quit drinking. It's not uncommon. I saw an addictions counsellor, and then an MD who specialized in childhood trauma/sex and love addiction and was also a recovering alcoholic himself. Working with him one-on-one and attending weekly relapse prevention groups, as well as participating in trauma workshops, really helped me to let go of the garbage in my past.
If you haven't already, I suggest you find a counsellor who specializes in addiction, and begin to work on unravelling your past. In the meantime, amp up your meetings, get a new sponsor if that's in the plan, and start again at Step 1 with her - your life sure sounds to be unmanageable right now. That isn't a judgement, but merely an observation.
Have you connected with many other women? That's the other thing that really helped me. Joining an all-women group and learning to trust them with my stuff. I also began having women over for monthly meditation nights and it was a great way to connect and grow together as recovering women.
You've been sober quite some time now and you've got a lot to give back to the still-suffering alcoholic.
I'm glad you ended the affair.