Sylvan,
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost mine too, when I was still in single digits though. But more recently, I lost both of my elder sisters to complications from their addictions: one by suicide and one because she drank herself to death.
I remember feeling the way you do now, struggling so hard to find answers for myself, wanting to be better NOW. It is one of the most unfair truths in life that healing takes a lot of time and reflection, and in my case, counseling to help walk me through all the horrible mazes I put my mind through. Why did they do this? What could I have done differently? How did they end up this way when they were such amazing people before?
And the memories of cleaning out my sister's house after her suicide still haunt me, many years later. But they're not sharp razors like your fresh memories are....they are just a dull ache that reminds me that I went through something terribly painful. This, I think, is the best I can expect. I will NEVER be indifferent to the fact that I miss them and wish things had turned out differently.
If your counseling sessions aren't helping you with this, I would suggest maybe looking for someone else to talk with. I worked with one who had really strong experience with grief, and he helped me to start taking concrete steps away from the spot I was in. It still took quite a while to feel like I wasn't hostage to this terrible sadness......but it was the thing that really helped me on my way.
Look into grief groups you can participate in, so you can talk with other people who are going through the same healing process you are. You'd be amazed at the different ways of dealing with it all, and it can be really helpful.
Just one small thing before I stop blabbing: I took a huge step forward in my healing when I realized that -- way down deep underneath -- I was still very, very angry at my sisters for the choices they made, the pain they'd brought to me and to my family. Specific events & things said, like your story about your boyfriend. This anger masqueraded as grief, guilt, you name it, and it just kept the wound open. When I found a way to forgive them for not being the kind of person I wanted & needed them to be, and when I found a way to TRULY forgive myself for not being superhuman enough to save them, then......well, then I cried for like four days straight
.....but then, I almost felt in my gut things start to break up and get better.
Hugs and strength to you to get through this time. We're all here listening whenever you want to talk. Feel free to PM me too.
GL