Sylavan.. Im sorry for your loss and tho i cant relate to this issue , something that has helped me heal over the death of my daughter at an early age , The why's and what if's will not replace nor fix what has happend , I feel If i waste my energys on trying to understand the " whys" i loose sight of what precious time I did have with her . Focus on those great times that you did have and let the rest lay in peace . " takin what you want and leave the rest " basically .. I hope you find some peace Mrs O:ghug2