Again, thank you all for your support. Just thought I'd update. He is home. He was coherent enough that the co. mental health could not legally keep him any longer. He doesn't remember anything except them sowing up his ear. I'm going to stay at my mom's for a bit so I don't know when I will be able to post again (she is not good at managing money so internet is off and on)
What I'm having trouble with now is telling people to stop telling me what to do. In trying to be more open and not isolating so much, I told his family and more of my friends what's going on. Now they all have a plan for me and for him.
My friends are supportive and offer suggestions for me. But his family want ME to do all these things for my AH. His brother even said, I have to do these things to save AH's life. I politely, and in as caring way as possible, responded with I cannot be responsible for his life. I know that may sound uncaring to him, but I have learned, my AH will do what he wants to do, regardless of how hard try to control things. PLEASE DON'T PUT HIS LIFE ON ME. I am caring; I even went into a profession because I want to help others, but I can't make him stay clean; I can't make him want a sober life.
With this time to myself I've spent a lot of time asking why I'm still here. Things I need to work on:
Avoidance. All my life I have tried to pretend things were OK and ignore the negatives. My grandma used to say "Play Pollyanna." In other words, make the best of things. Although this may be a good motto, in my situation, I think it is getting in the way of me facing reality.
Fear: I avoid fear every chance I get. Just put it off or ignore it. It will go away eventually, right!!?? NOPE.
Denial: This has been a big one. Even though I have admitted I am powerless over drugs/alcohol, I recognize that, even though I logically see that he is unable to grasp sobriety right now, a small part of me finds it easier to accept that this will be the time, this will be his bottom and he will be the man I met 10 years ago. I am still in denial.
@)%)#%&)#&%0!!!!!
On a positive note, I think I have finally chosen a sponsor to help me. For the longest time I could not decide who "fit" me best. But now, I think the answer was given to me this week at a meeting.
Abundance, thanks for thinking of me.....I am thinking of you too.