Hurtbad2505

I haven’t posted here for a while, but I stop in and read often. Short background, my 23 year old son is an addict (heroin is his doc). He was pretty deep into the addiction for over a year … shooting, stealing, etc. but a little over a year ago his AGF started in the methadone clinic and he got clean. Well, I can’t say he was ever really clean because he would use her methadone and I suspect still used the heroin sporadically.

Anyway, a few months ago he relapsed for a couple of weeks. I could tell right away just by his behavior, money being spent with nothing to show for it, etc. but the real topper was when I saw a needle in his room. Long story short he finally got financial assistance from the state and joined the methadone clinic also. He quit the heroin but still smoked pot regularly. I know pot is still a drug, but after seeing what heroin did to his life and ours, and due to the fact that I smoked when I was younger also, I was ok with it….stupid I know, but I was just so happy he wasn’t shooting drugs into his veins..kwim? Problem is, he is on probation and is due to attend a hearing on October 1st which will probably entail taking a drug test…takes 30 days for pot to leave the system so he quit smoking. Which brings us to our new drama filled situation. He discovered that if he takes xanax, it kicks his methadone up a notch and he can get ‘high’ without smoking pot and can get the xanax out of his system in 3 days or so, plenty of time to get clean pee before his test. God, typing this out reminds me just how screwed up the mind of an addict is. Apparently, they drug test you at the clinic but don’t kick you out if you test dirty for anything other than heroin. They just ‘counsel’ you about it…whatever.

What I really came here to say/ask is after the last week of him being high to the point that he can barely talk and is just high ALL the time, I told him this morning that he needs to seriously think about getting himself some real help, in a real rehab facility because I just can’t live with watching him like this anymore. It’s stressing me out so very much and I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of a nightmare every time I walk into my home. I told him he needed to either get help and get clean for real, or find another place to live. I have NEVER told him anything like this before and it broke my little codie heart to do it. His response was…if I move out and live with ‘his friend’ I’ll probably end up dead. Lovely….

Update….As I was typing this he called me and told me that he put in an emergency call to his counselor and told him what has been going on. He supposedly told her about the xanax,etc. and how we have been arguing/fighting etc. He asked her if she thought it was a good idea for him to move out and stay with a friend that is also in the clinic and trying to stay clean from heroin. She told him that it would be the best thing for all of us…apparently me pressuring him about the drugs triggers him to use and none of this is healthy for any of us… ya think? I asked him if this is such a good idea, why did he tell me that he would be dead if he stayed with this person just this morning. He admitted that he said that to make me feel bad, and that he’s an a**hole for saying it. Well, so that’s where it stands at this point I guess…he will be moving out to stay with this person who is in the methadone program, but has other mental health issues also. He asked me if he would be able to come home when he gets clean and can produce a clean drug test for me…I told him of course he can..

So why do I still feel sick to my stomach and helpless…I did really good back when he was doing heroin as far as giving it up to his HP and trusting in my God that he would take care of him in ‘His’ time and in “His’ way. Now I just feel back to square one in my own recovery.

BTW, I prayed all night long that my HP would guide me into doing/saying the right thing to my AS. And telling him to get help or leave was what came to me by morning…I’m hoping it’s the right thing. Although I will admit when he was sleeping this morning I saw his bottle of pills and stole ½ of them. Why? I have no idea, just to know that that is three less he will put in his body I suppose… Messed up huh? Thinking about taking a part of one myself to calm my insides down…