This is the same thing as the times I would drive by the bar to see if he was there. If he wasn't there, drive by the drinking buddies. I would check the numbers dialed on the cell phone when I got the bill to see how many times he called the buddies and what times (since most of his drinking started in the early afternoon because he got done early) he called them. Over and over again torturing myself.
Then I asked myself why? Did it change anything? NO
Was he still drinking? Yes Did it help me at all to know this? NO. Did it make me miserable, sad, depressed, angry? Yes
So then I stopped driving by the bar, stopped checking the buddies and all that other stuff and you know what? It got easier and easier to do that and I had more time to do something I enjoyed or to find something new that I enjoyed!