Originally Posted by
baxter 
Am I as horrible mother as I feel when I have these feelings? I sometimes look at her and wish I'd never had her. There, I finally said it and now I feel even worse but I can't make it go away.
Well heck! If you're a terrible mother, then I must be a "dreadful" mother! (I've been called worse...LOL)
In my honest opinion, if avoidance works for you, then avoid.
It's VERY hard to let our children know they have their own journey to travel ALONE, without our help or interference.
There ARE things you can discuss without ever touching on the idea of addiction, or behavior. But, if you feel she is just getting your goat, every time you speak to her, then use your avoidance method. I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. In fact I use it a bit myself, by not answering the phone all the time, or conveniently being "away" when AS wants to come over to visit. (I know...dreadful...ha ha)
As for the grandkids, perhaps just a call that you are on your way to pick them up for a hour or so to go to the park or some other activity?
I be thinking when you have grandkids, it's really hard to completely detach...
As for detachment, you ARE using detachment by not involving yourself in her daily affairs.
Hugs, and happy thoughts...