Thank you all. I hate going through this and some of the things I have thought of my AD would make your hair curl and while it's a comfort to know others are struggling too it makes to sad to see so many of us.
I guess the resentment and anger I feel of all I have done to try and not reach this point is what gets to me and I try to bury it instead of letting it go. Years ago my AD, as a teenager, had made a soso attempt at suicide. All the drama that followed after was unbelievable. I walked on eggshells for so long and my other kids we're resenting her for it. I mentioned to a counsellor once that I felt at times that I wished she had succeeded so we could all get some rest from this and how horrible I felt for even thinking that. She gave me comfort in saying it was a normal reaction to the stress we were all under. I still feel enormous guilt for feeling that way but at times I just can't cope.
Thank you all for understanding. You don't know how much you help.