wearysoul

When I was 16 I was diagnosed as an alcoholic and spent a year in a rehab. I learned all about drugs and felt left out I guess because I wasn't even admitted for drug or alcohol abuse, just depression. Eventually, I became obsessed with trying different drugs. I was addicted to what I thought was obtaining a higher level of mental and spiritual clarity. Then it almost destroyed my life. I found cocaine, I actually searched for it, and then it was there, and I was doing it everyday, quit my job, lived with a man 17 years older than I, quit college, lost my motivation to write, act, and even live. This went on for 2 years until I got pregnant. Getting pregnant with my son saved my life and other than occasional (maybe five times total) marajuana use and diet pills, I stayed off drugs. I did continue social drinking but I have never had a problem since high school with stopping when I needed to, or if I saw myself drinking too often, cutting myself off completely. I was obsessed with internet chatting for a couple years, which I swear was almost like drugs, but I grew tired of it eventually. About a year ago, I was at an old friends house, and I agreed to taste a line of cocaine, which eventually lead to my snorting some, and at first, I couldn't imagine why I had been addicted in the first place 20 years ago. But somehow, this grew into an addiction that I can't control at all. My life seems muted. I can't write, I can't read, even if I could see, which I often can't when I'm using. I can't function for days after using even if I quit for a few days. I feel drained of everything and still I feel like I have to have it. There's something in the stimulating affect that drives me, but it's so short lived, I don't get it at all. I'm too old for this. I've had to move three times in the last year due to money problems, partly attributed to my drug use, I have alienated my sober friends, made terrible decisions regarding my teenagers, and feel like I will never be able to stop. I quit for a week or two, maybe even three and as soon as I have some money, I'm calling to get some. Sometimes what I get makes me so depressed and oppressed I feel like dying, or that I am dying. My entire social network currently seems to use cocaine, and I worry about losing friends, or being too weak to say no if they have it. It sounds ridiculous at my age to be worrying about such things so then I think it must just be an excuse to keep using. Using something I hate.. and love... and that is going to kill me. I often have to drink or take anti-anxiety pills (xanax or pain killers of some sort) just to stop freaking out inside. I can't go into a drug rehab, people need me. My mother is elderly, I have to take care of her, my kids need me, but at the same time, they are losing me. Last night I thought I might die from a heart attack. I already have tachicardia (sp), which is a speeding up of the heart at irregular intervals and have a heart murmur. I also suffer from add, bipolar (mostly the depressed side, the upside is maybe I'll feel normal occasionally), and ocd (the kind that inhibits normal daily functioning where I can't go out, cant clean, can't take care of anything) and cocaine seems to acerbate the issue. Normally, for me, I can go without medication, but I feel like I'm getting crazier, and more dysfunctional each day. I don't know what to do. Everyone knows, and no one knows for sure, and I don't want anyone in my family to know, or my life long friends that have never even considered using. I think it would kill them. They already think I'm a screw up (for good reason I guess). I don't want to lose another year of my life, or my kids lives. I have plans for my future, to finish college, to travel, to finish one of the 100 novels I've started, to do something important. And when I'm using, I can't even enjoy thoughts of any of that. It's like my soul is being sucked dry. It's liked I've reversed twenty years and lost everything I worked to become. I don't even know if I can ever be whole again. If I can survive this. Sometimes it all seems useless and hopeless and like I should just give up completely. But too many people need me, rely on me. Unfortunately for them I know...
If anyone could help.. I don't know... has anyone else felt this way?