baxter

Back again and I see a few others are too. I'm having a real tough time with detaching with "love" again. Thought I had it somewhat mastered but was I ever wrong.

Does anyone else find that the only way they can detach is with complete avoidance? That is the only way I seem to be able to keep myself sane. I have layed down boundary after boundary and my AD could care less so it's better not to even see her or talk to her which is hard with the grandkids. I find myself not even answering the phone half the time but even the sound of her voice on the answering machine nauseates me. I can't stand looking at her, talking to her or even being in the same area with her. Tried quite a few times this year and she won't let things be. Snide remarks, trying to goad me into a fight (which I fell for a couple times). She tried the not letting the grandkids see me which I knew would fail within a week.

But, she actually makes me sick to my stomach and I feel horrible cause I'm her mother. I mean I don't want anything bad to happen to her, and I do love her, but I sometimes wonder, if she did by some miracle, go to rehab and make an effort if I'd even want contact with her then. I just don't care.
She was always a high-maintenance child, even before drugs. From the time she learned to walk and talk everyday was a chore and just about every family member and friend just couldn't take her attitude anymore (and this was when she was still a toddler). I started her in counseling, spent thousands of dollars all to no avail and she found drugs was the answer to everything. Out of my hands.

I know the three C's backwards and forwards and I do believe in them. I go about my day confident in the fact of knowing I didn't cause, I can't cure it, and I can't control it, I just wish she'd leave me alone.

Am I as horrible mother as I feel when I have these feelings? I sometimes look at her and wish I'd never had her. There, I finally said it and now I feel even worse but I can't make it go away.