Hello!! Welcome. I am 25 years old and also suffering as you, alot of what you said is very familiar to me because I can TOTALLY relate! I quit last november and stayed sober for three months, I think had I gotten a sponser and gone to more meetings I probably wouldnt have started slow drinking again, alas I did and regardless today I am only 18 days without booze but wow I feel great...you deserve to feel great too. I also drank alot alone and I also turned into a person that was a complete opposite of who I considered my true self to be...my true sober self. When I drank, almost immediately one drink in I would start to get a bit sassy, and my mind would twirl around the thoughts I, in a sober state, would contimplate without worry..all of a sudden I was two or three drinks in and I was mad, pissed at my boyfriend who like yours, still for some strange reason has loved me throughout some really low points in my drinking career...I would come to the decisions that my life sucked and I hated everything and eventually I would almost always blackout..In my blackouts I would either turn into big mouth know it all debater or act as if I was a single 18 super hottie on the prowl..much to my still very caring boyfriends dismay
All in all, I was just miserable, the anxiety and guilt day in and day out, only to be subsided by another damn drink..and the viscious cycles continues...I went to a meeting when I decided eighteen days ago I was sick and tired of hating myself..and I keep going, I am working towards getting a sponser and I feel very proud. GO TO A MEETING GIRL
I dont like them allways so find a womens group, thats what I love and try it out. I really hope you can be easy on yourself while being tough with yourself and taking care of yourself..You deserve to be happy, and I have learned that the women of AA arent toothless dirty haggard old crabs I once had envisioned, we are strong, beautiful smart loving kind women who want to live a good happy life and love ourselves enough to work on it. We all share the same disease, and only our will power can cure it ! I am rooting for you honey and keep posting on here you have tons of support! XOXO