Between Silence and Violence
I had a conversation today with a friend about communication with loved ones. We were discussing different styles of talking and resolving conflict. She said that she and her bf were trying to find the middle ground between Silence and Violence. She’s the type to not talk about things that bother her and the type to wait a really long time to bring up something that would most likely cause a conflict in the relationship. He goes both ways – either he gives her the totally silent treatment for a few days and she has no clue why he’s upset, or he blows up over some really small thing and she knows it’s something bigger, but still she has no clue.
Me? Before recovery I was the one who had both sides of the conversation IN MY HEAD. Because I was such a terrific mind reader, I figured I already knew what he was going to say. So, I would have this imaginary conversation in my head: I would say this and then I just knew he would say that ( the rotten s-o-b) and so then I would say this and he’d probably say that. So then the conversation/situation was over. I would make a decision, take an action ~ sometimes I’d even be MAD at the poor guy for his part… and of course he would be understandably confused as to why I was upset with him because I had not allowed him to participate in any of what was going on ! It's no wonder we didn't communicate. I did it all for both of us! sheeeesh....
Recovery has taught me so much about how to deal with people. I can state how I feel about something and then I can let it go. I can let go of the outcome (well, sometimes) and I can allow the other person the dignity of having his own opinions about things. Those things you read in the magazines? Some of them really do work. If I say “when you do x, I feel Y” then it means we can have a conversation instead of a fight.
How about you? What’s your style?