Someone to Talk to
Back-story. I work like crazy. My last day off was last Tuesday, since then I've been working non-stop/babysitting up to my 15 hour day this Monday, followed by early morning babysitting on Tuesday, a trip out of town, and then a 10 hour shift the next day (Wednesday), then babysitting early this morning, work, and then packing to move up to my apartment with a roommate who had to already borrow $500 because she can't pay our rent... it's been a non-stop whirl-wind and even I feel as though I've accomplished nothing this summer and haven't done enough. I am stressed.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, and I'm soooo irritable to my parents right now. They're not even drinking for once. They didn't drink tonight, possibly because of me. It was supposed to be a nice night to spend together, but instead I had to finish packing, and then just made snippy comments to them. I feel bad about my actions, and I know I am over-reacting and bitching too much to them. I am very mean to them, I know it.
My dad makes these comments to me, comments that make me feel as if I'm not good enough, not doing enough. He lectures me all the time. I misplaced my phone charger and it's so hard to find anything in the big mess of my stuff, and he just kept going on and on about how I should always put it in the same place, that it's important, that we'd have to go and buy a charger first thing in the morning, etc. When I explained why I moved it from my original place, it didn't matter, because I shouldn't have taken it out of that spot even if my reason was valid. I snapped. And still he didn't want to listen to me, to how I feel when he lectures me all the time. He's heard it all before so he doesn't want to hear it again, even though he's never listened to a word of it. I found the cord. Then it was something about how I shouldn't have worked so much so that I wouldn't be so bitchy, that I need to go to bed already so I can drive efficiently tomorrow. In my angst, I yelled something about how he's doing the opposite of what I want and need, that I just needed someone to talk to. He's confused, doesn't know what to do, so instead of simply listening he says, exasperated, "what honey, I don't know what else to tell you, your life is miserable, you work a lot, I know this." He loves me, he does, he just can't do anything right. All I wanted was someone to talk to, someone to listen to me. My mom just left the room, that's always her solution, and tonight she was not the problem. I was mean and snappy to her too though.
Just as I finished that paragraph my mom walked in here before bed and I just tested her. Her solution for everything is to apologize. I don't want anymore apologizing, and I said that. I also said "I just wanted someone to talk to" she says "I'm sorry, goodnight, honey, love you" then I say even more bluntly "I just want someone to talk to" she says "I have to go to bed.... uh, sorry" door shuts. She has never been affectionate. Couldn't she just listen to me? I actually asked her to listen to me! I couldn't be more obvious, and she refused. My dad always refuses simply because he doesn't listen, and my mom refuses. And they wonder why I'm so bitchy, why I can't stand them most of the time. I am ashamed at my behavior, because I was screaming out of control at my dad for about 10-20 seconds, and it really was over the top. Then I come up to my room and realize just how much it all hurts me. Why does it have to hurt so much? And at the end, I feel like I have upset them and made them feel badly and that I should.... know better than to do that. Oh god.... I shouldn't have to worry about it, I should be the kid!
I just want them to be parents. I want them to tell me that I'm being disrespectful, I want them to talk to me, I want them to listen to me, I want them to be responsible.
I have no one to talk to, no one. One of my close (well, fake close seeing as this friend knows nothing about my home life) is having a hard time with her father who won't pay child support, and another work friend that I have actually spoken to, tells me that her life is miserable, she can't leave her dead-beat boyfriend that she lives with (the girl just turned 18....) and she seriously considered popping some pills tonight. I just want someone to talk to. I am alone, that's how it's always been and always will be. Usually I can handle that, but it was overwhelming tonight. Since childhood, I have not felt close to a single human being outside of the family, never been in more than a casual relationship even. This is not due to lack of wanting these relationships or lack of trying.
Typing this has really helped.